swimming against the tide

When actually all I'm really doing is at best treading water. I have had a bad few days which started at the weekend when I met up with a lot of friends, many of whom I hadn't seen since well before I was diagnosed. Up until now much of my communication about what's happening has been using the written word but this was different; I had to say out loud "I have breast cancer" and was unprepared for the profound effect that would have both on me and those I said it too.

The upside was that I discovered just how much I mean to so many people and that they care a great deal about me, but the downside was that I found it a deeply emotional experience and as a result, very difficult to deal with. I was not prepared for this because I have managed to be very practical and matter-of-fact about it all so far, so suddenly finding myself in floods of tears and unable to face anyone a strange and unnerving position to be in.

Later on, when I was better able to face everyone, I then found that a lot of people admire me for being brave, but I don't feel brave at all. In fact inside I am scared about all of it; the operation itself, how I will feel afterwards, how it will affect those around me and the prospect of further treatment.

Being brave has nothing to with it all, it is merely a sense of having to deal with it and for the most part being unwilling to drown because that in itself is frightening.

Okay, that's enough of the water imagery for the moment! Let's move onto more practical things! See? that's how I deal with it all! :-D I am still on the hunt for the illusive, almost mythical beast that is a post-op bra in my size. Where are they all hiding, that's what I want to know.