Sunday, 7 November 2010

as the day draws nigh

I've got this awful sense of impending doom. It's mad really because this is an operation that is designed to help save my life. Nevertheless the thought of it all is frightening and that is because of the nature of the surgery, not the actual operation, after all it won't be the first time I've been in hospital.

Part of what bothers me most is how those around me are going to react when they first see me afterwards. My OH and I have had some talks about this but we both find it a difficult subject to broach, partly because it's such an emotive subject but also it's hard to find the right words. Over the years we've both found it easy to know what the other is feeling, which has helped a lot as we deal with me having cancer, but it is still so hard to just sit down and talk it all through even though we know we should.

It hasn't helped either that this week has been extraordinarily hard on the work front, with someone waiting to make a bid for my job just a few days before I have surgery, knowing that I'd be at my most vulnerable. Her actions are beneath contempt and shocking too because I believed her to be a friend and had recently supported her through difficult times. I feel very foolish now for trusting her and helping her when it has become obvious that in the background she was conniving to remove me from my job, whilst all the time pretending a friendship that was false. I just cannot believe that someone would be so ruthless to take advantage of a fellow human being when they are facing such a life-changing and frightening situation. But I suppose that some people just cannot resist the opportunity to put themselves first regardless of the cost to those around them.

I hate to do it but I have had to walk away from a job that I love and feel passionate about. I have more important things to focus on now and I am a firm believer in the old adage 'what goes around, comes around.' Focusing on preparing for going into hospital on Tuesday is what I need to do now!

On the subject of hospital - my surgeon is so kind; he has arranged for me to be admitted the afternoon before my surgery so that they can administer all my anti-seizure and vasculitis meds via IV rather than have me worry about when the right time was to take them on Wednesday. He didn't have to do this and it speaks volumes for the level of care the hospital offers, I feel very lucky to be looked after by him and his team. I also suspect that given my other medical conditions, he thought that having me under observation for a few hours in advance of surgery was a good idea, as they so rarely deal with a patient with my type of vasculitis. Even so I am very grateful for this added bit of care and attention, it helps make the whole thing a little easier to deal with. 

Meanwhile I have been basking in the warm glow of the love and friendship of those who genuinely care about me. I've been sent some lovely care packages in the shape of books, bathroom treats and flowers - these small gestures make such a difference at times like this! Best of all though is the final tracking down of the mythical beast that was a post-op bra in my size! All thanks to the wonderful staff in our local department store, who spent a considerable amount of time sorting this out for me! It just goes to show that it doesn't matter how 'Internet savvy' one is, there's nothing to beat good old fashioned face-to-face service!


  1. Thinking of you hon, be brave, and hold on tight. We can get past this beast that is bc, and we will still be amazing, wonderful women regardless of what our busts look like afterwards xxx