Wednesday, 27 October 2010

"It's life Jim, but not as we know it!"

The realisation dawned on me this afternoon that after November 10th my life is never going to be the same again and that's a really scary thing to have to admit to yourself. The change began when I got the first part of my diagnosis but a mastectomy changes things forever. It's not just that it's cancer and who knows what the future holds where other treatment etc is concerned, but that I have to deal with such a radical change to my body. As a woman I find this difficult to deal with - I'll be reminded of it every day.

As a dancer it's also given me pause; will I ever want to perform in public again if I feel so differently about my body? Currently I have several thousand pounds worth of designer costumes in my wardrobe, none of which I will be able to wear with a prosthesis and I don't yet know when I'll be offered reconstruction. I feel so sad when I look at them! I know it's early days yet but sometimes thoughts about my future as a performer, something that's been an integral part of my life, being changed so much is really distressing. Dance has helped me get through so many difficult things but somehow it hasn't really helped this time around.

I guess all I can do is wait and see. . .


  1. Dear Blue Fairy
    I have just been able to access your blog for the first time (I'm based in Myanmar and can't get blogspot.....) - and I wanted to send you a big hug. I love your blog - your writing is fresh and honest, and echoes so much of my experience which is almost exactly a year before yours. I have also found that blogging has been a great coping strategy.

    You are very right in that things do change when you hear those words of diagnosis - I remember writing a list of things that had changed for ever and things which I hoped were temporary, and I re-visited that a few weeks ago, and was amazed how much I had moved forward. (Both are blogged)

    There is a quote I have taken on since diagnosis, and I have plastered it everywhere - as a dancer you might like or identify with it...
    "Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, but learning to dance in the rain".

    Take care, keep dancing and keep blogging
    Love, hugs and warm wishes
    Philippa (aka Feisty Blue Gecko)

  2. Thank you Philippa! I've been reading your blog after finding a link to it on Breast Cancer Care and am really enjoying it!

    The quotation is fab and very apt. A friend of mine who has recovered from a below the knee amputation reminded me the other day of something I said to her when she was having a bad day "it's true that life won't ever been the same again, but there is life to live". I am going to do my best to use that as my motto!

    Ondine x