Tuesday, 9 November 2010

and now the day has dawned

I took 2 sleeping pills last night because I was absolutely determined not to have a bad night, but I still woke up at 3am and was awake for a couple of hours! Stupid brain, it had better not do that once I've had surgery!

This morning I am spending a couple of hours online, checking emails, Facebook and so on, posting some thank yous for all the lovely messages of support I've received. It did me a lot of good to see just how many people care after the horrible work debacle of last week.

Not sure what I feel about this afternoon and tomorrow at the moment. It's a weird kind of emptiness; not quite fear but not really acceptance either and very hard to put into actual words. Logic tells me that this is part of how our psyche deals with something so momentous in our lives; it pushes a kind of pause button allowing you to float free for a little while. Whatever it is, I am taking full advantage because once we start driving to the hospital I'm pretty sure that I'll feel awful from that point on.

My OH is dealing with things in his own way and today it is a mixture of a mad cleaning spree and getting irritable with everything. I don't like it when he gets like this (cleaning aside! :-D) but I understand completely that being all shouty at things is just his way of coping with it all. He is worried about not being  supportive enough of me (he's been great!) but I also know that he's scared about me having an operation and scared of losing me, all totally understandable and one of the many reasons why I love him so much. He sometimes comes over as a bit grouchy but he's a great big softy inside! :-)

Yesterday was all about the practical me taking over and I did lots of preparation to make hospital bearable. I now have lots of soothing relaxation music and sounds on my Walkman, some good books to read and some of the little treats friends and family have given me, like lip balm, nice soap, pretty slippers etc. All little things that I hope will help. 

For when I get home I have had a splurge and treated myself to an Amazon Kindle which arrived yesterday. I am already in love (sad but true! :-D) with this lovely little gadget because being a book addict and having such a large collection of them already, it's very useful to have something that stores things electronically. Plus if I'm feeling tired or have problems with my right arm after surgery, it's light, easy to hold and read.

Now I am off to do my packing and then I am going to enjoy just sitting and reading to give myself a little bit of calm before the storm.

See you on the other side!


  1. I just found your blog. As a fellow cancer survivor, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Also...Great Blog! You are a credit to the cancer blogging community. I have added you to my blogroll, “Cancer Blogs Lists” with over 1100 other personal cancer blogs at www.beingcancer.net, a cancer networking site featuring a cancer book club, guest blogs, cancer resources, reviews and more.
    If you have not visited before or recently, please stop by. If you agree that the site is a worthwhile resource for those affected by cancer, please consider adding Being Cancer Network to your own blogroll.
    Now that you are listed, you can expect to gain a wider audience for your thoughts and experiences. Being Cancer Network is a place to share and communicate.

    Take care, Dennis (beingcancer@att.net)

  2. Thank you Dennis, I will stop by and join, along with adding www.beingcancer.net to my blog roll. I greatly appreciate your comments and the exposure of my blog to others going through a similar experience.