One Year On

One year ago today I heard the words I was dreading - 'I'm so sorry but it's definitely cancer.'

As I look back over my shoulder I can see that long tunnel of blackness that has been the past year and I can still feel the cold touch of it on my soul as the darkness reaches out to try and engulf me once more. I find myself staring blankly, numbly, unable to move as the shadow of fear stretches out.

I am frozen.

Frozen in place like a fly caught in amber.

I want to move but I'm stuck here in that place between the life that was, the life I want and the life that is my new reality.

Is it really all happening to me?

My body tells its own sad story. Maimed, scarred, battered and beaten, a shadow of its former self. An awkward child, difficult to love but begging for affection looks back from the mirror each day. When will I learn to love her?

Has the cancer really gone?? Is it hiding, stalking me, waiting to pounce again?

Questions I ask myself almost every day.

Questions I cannot ignore.

Questions no one can answer.

As I try to turn to face the future, I know I have challenges ahead. I try to take the first steps forward, reluctantly because my heart and soul are filled with dread. I have to breathe deeply, to push past the anxiety and find life worth living again.

What if. . . ? Is a dangerous game to play but strangely seductive, too seductive. Its soft siren song will lure you in and before long you are walking in the the twilight world of 'what if' and doubt and fear. Sometimes it's too much to bear.

But I must walk away.

I must run away, for madness is what lurks there.

I turn my face to the sunlight, I feel the warmth on my face.

I bask in the glow of hope.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Breast Cancer, The Media & 'Zleb' Culture

It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month so of course there are lots of stories popping up all over the place featuring various 'celebrities' who have breast cancer and I am sick to death of hearing how one particular actress thinks of it as 'just a year out of my life'! For fuck's sake woman, will you stop giving the impression that breast cancer is soft, pink, fluffy and having it/being treated for it is like a picnic in the park! I was incensed at a television interview she gave last week, basically saying it was no big deal and equally incensed when I found out that they chose to interview her rather than the two 'ordinary' women originally signed up because their stories were about the crap side of having breast cancer. I have so much admiration for the likes of Kylie Minogue, Sally Whitaker and Jennifer Saunders (via her husband) who were honest enough to say that it is anything but 'just a year out of my life.'

Also, if one more bloody zleb tells the world that she has got the 'all clear' I swear I will buy a gun and shoot her myself! You never get an 'all clear' for breast cancer, it's one of those that is very good at reappearing in other places, coming back in the other breast or on the site of your original lump. Okay, it is fair to say that I fall into the smaller percentage of women at a much higher risk of recurrence which is why this really annoys me, but no one yet knows enough about the mechanisms that breast cancer cells use to enable it lay dormant and then pop up again after primary treatment is completed, often years after that treatment is completed. This is why you can never say you have the 'all clear' all you can say is that you have 'no evidence of disease.'

This has led me to wonder whether celebrity spokeswomen for breast cancer are in fact more of a hindrance than a help because far too many of them paint a less than honest picture about what it means to have it. This is all part of why I think that whilst it has its uses, breast cancer awareness month is far too pink and fluffy for its own good. Plus a large percentage of it is marketed towards younger women when in fact the greatest proportion of women with breast cancer fall into the 60+ age category. I have yet to see much in any of the media coverage so far that actually talks about how to check your breasts and why is there no mention that men can get it too. . .

Some times it's the little things that get you down!

At the end of the month I am hosting a fund raising event in support of Breast Cancer Care and I thought it would be the simplest thing in the world to buy an elegant, long dress in pink. However, I discovered that finding one that was mastectomy-friendly was very hard indeed and really brought home to me just how much having breast cancer affects my life, making even the most mundane of things a trial and a chore. It's very hard not to end up depressed and disillusioned about it all!

As it comes up to the first anniversary of my diagnosis I have been thinking about five things:

1. Breast cancer changes your life - for ever. It's something that you have to find some way of living with because once you have been diagnosed and treated there will always be that niggling worry that it will pop up again somewhere else.

2. Life is precious and easily stolen from you. Guard it carefully and use it to the full!

3. Value your friendships, but be prepared for those who you thought you could rely on the most to fall at the very first hurdle. Sadly far too many of my friends were incredibly unsupportive and the only good thing that came out of that was a shorter christmas card list! I was shocked at how many of my long-standing friends deserted me when I needed them most and indeed equally shocked that now the trials and tribulations of active treatment are over, just how many of them now want to have more to do with me again. There is always someone who views your illness as an opportunity to take advantage of your vulnerability and when it happens it can be very shocking. Thankfully I have the most fabulous husband and a very supportive family who, along with the friends that did stay around, gave me lots of support when I needed it.

4. Britain's National Health Service is nothing short of brilliant where I live and I have had nothing but care of the finest standard. I am hugely grateful for this because sadly it's not a reflection of a lot of people's experiences of the NHS.

5. Never underestimate just how much having breast cancer will affect you psychologically and emotionally. It's not just the scars that you can see that you need to adjust to and it's not a good idea to ignore this. Whilst the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I developed as a result of all my emergency, life-threatening treatment has subsided greatly, it still rears it's ugly head and catches me out when I least expect it. This plus the psychological impact of the changes to my body has taken its toll over the past year and I have a long way to go before I will reach a place where I can truly be happy again.

I could add considerably more to this list and I will probably talk more about them over the coming weeks but I think it is fair to say that nothing really prepares you for life after diagnosis. You just have to plough your way through it as best you can and hope for the best whilst preparing for the worst.

Most importantly I have discovered that there is life and it is worth living - I just need to work at how!