Monday, 14 November 2011

Dealing with the now (and then)

I've been struggling over the last month as I try to turn my face to the sun instead of wandering around under a cloud. There is something truly crappy about being diagnosed at the start of Breast Cancer Awareness Month - a double whammy of dealing with the news/anniversary whilst seeing all the fundraising, media campaigns etc. Then there is November, the month in which I said goodbye to my breast and hello to the daunting prospect of chemotherapy and the knowledge that the cancer was worse than originally thought. 

It is tough work trying to navigate through all the anniversaries and my life seems to be revolving around them at the moment!

As I have said there is D(iagnosis)-Day, Operation Day, Results Day, First Chemo Day - the list seems never ending!

From talking to others I have come to realise that probably (hopefully?) the first couple of years are definitely the hardest to deal with because the pain and loss are still so fresh in one's mind. I really hope that this will be true because every few days I find myself thinking about what has happened in the past year and it's not how I want to live my life.

I want to move forward.

I know that I can.

It's just that finding the strength, the resolve to do so is much harder than I first realised. I want to feel truly happy again and I'm scared that I won't. I want, need, to find a way to compartmentalise my feelings about having cancer so that they run in the background of my life and are not the first thing I think about most days.

I need to spend some time looking for the sun in my life. 

I know it's there hiding, waiting to be rediscovered, and some day I'll wake up and there it will be. Bright, shiny and ready to warm me just like it used to do.

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