Friday, 14 October 2011

One Year On

One year ago today I heard the words I was dreading - 'I'm so sorry but it's definitely cancer.'

As I look back over my shoulder I can see that long tunnel of blackness that has been the past year and I can still feel the cold touch of it on my soul as the darkness reaches out to try and engulf me once more. I find myself staring blankly, numbly, unable to move as the shadow of fear stretches out.

I am frozen.

Frozen in place like a fly caught in amber.

I want to move but I'm stuck here in that place between the life that was, the life I want and the life that is my new reality.

Is it really all happening to me?

My body tells its own sad story. Maimed, scarred, battered and beaten, a shadow of its former self. An awkward child, difficult to love but begging for affection looks back from the mirror each day. When will I learn to love her?

Has the cancer really gone?? Is it hiding, stalking me, waiting to pounce again?

Questions I ask myself almost every day.

Questions I cannot ignore.

Questions no one can answer.

As I try to turn to face the future, I know I have challenges ahead. I try to take the first steps forward, reluctantly because my heart and soul are filled with dread. I have to breathe deeply, to push past the anxiety and find life worth living again.

What if. . . ? Is a dangerous game to play but strangely seductive, too seductive. Its soft siren song will lure you in and before long you are walking in the the twilight world of 'what if' and doubt and fear. Sometimes it's too much to bear.

But I must walk away.

I must run away, for madness is what lurks there.

I turn my face to the sunlight, I feel the warmth on my face.

I bask in the glow of hope.

Tomorrow will be a better day.


  1. Thinking of you as you mark the one year point. It's an emotional time I find, full of contradictions. I love your description of turning your face to the sun and the future. Sending warmth and good wishes your way.

    PS I'm delighted that some websites are now accessible - especially yours :)