Saturday, 3 December 2011

Back on the Merry-Go-Round!

Yes, once again I am stuck in the waiting room! It's been almost two weeks since my first post-treatment mammogram and the ensuing wait for results is really starting to get to me! I think it's a combination of things but mainly the fact that of course that I'm still trying to deal with all those wretched anniversaries!

Your brain does very strange things when confronted with this sort of situation. Some days I am filled with dread, convinced that the cancer is back and worried about all that would entail but then I tell myself that I need to follow the maxim of 'no news is good news' and try to ignore all the negative stuff. The problem is that I seem unable to get a firm grip on the latter, so I end up not sleeping, being a pain to live with and weepy about the most stupid of things.

and whilst we are on the subject - what's with all the tears anyway???

I seem able to turn on the waterworks for the most ridiculous of things at the moment, which is extremely annoying. I am not normally a weepy sort of person but this last year has turned me into one and I hate it. I am revisiting chapters from the Cancer Survivors Handbook in a bid to try and make sense of it all and also to try and get things back under control.

and there's another thing that's become part of my world. . . control, or rather a perceived lack of it. I feel like someone else has control over me and my life. Not so much on the micro level but on the macro level, as in deciding what my future is and how much of a future I have actually got. I want to be in control again!

3 years ago I performed a number called "Doll?" which was very much about feeling like one's fate was controlled by another and what I want to do is emulate the end of that number where the strings are cut and the doll is free! 

Oh what I would give to have that freedom today!

Learning to live on the strange planet that is my new reality, is proving to be far harder than I ever thought it would be. I have lived my life following one adventure after another and this is the toughest 'adventure' of the lot!

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