Sunday, 16 January 2011

Persis Khambatta I am not!

The last vestiges of hair are pretty much gone now and any hopes I might have had for a good bald look vanished along with it all. It is so weird being so hairless (and I mean just about everywhere!) somehow I feel like my identity went down the plug hole with all the hair! At the moment I am just happy to still have a reasonable amount of eyebrows and lashes, although I expect they'll be gone soon as well. At least I do have a new wig to play with, although I have realised that I need a trip to the hairdresser to get it to look better, but that's a minor thing.

I am definitely finding the whole identity thing hard to deal with today, it's like I woke up not feeling like me and that's scary. I watched a repeat of How To Look Good Naked this morning which featured a woman who has been through the same thing and was in tears at the end when she came out wearing a bikini. It made me realise what I've lost but it also gave me some hope too, although sadly my scars are much worse than hers as mine goes right out under my arm and around the side of my chest. Plus don't get me started on the fact that for radiation treatment I will need to have lots of tattooed dots all over my chest wall from the clavicle downwards!

OH and I have discussed having a holiday at the end of next summer when I will hopefully have finished treatment and as I love swimming I badly want to be able to wear something other than T shirts but all the swimwear in the post surgery ranges look like they are designed with the 65+ market in mind. I keep wondering how am I ever going to feel feminine again! You only have to look through my undies drawer to see how hard that's going to be and it could be more than a year before I can even think about a recon, let alone see someone about it!

I really want to be able to dance again but I'm at a loss as where to begin when it comes to costuming and I really do need to have a proper goal when it comes to getting back on stage, because if I can't do that I'll be heartbroken. I guess today it all seems to be so far away, like a fantasy that will never quite come true.

I know all this seems like madness to worry about right now just when I should be more concerned about getting through the treatment, but part of it is also about telling myself that I do have a future and that I should plan for it now, so that I have goals and something to look forward too.


  1. As I wrote in my 01/12/11 column, I have finally succeeded in creating a Writing Award badge. I am contacting all of the cancer bloggers who have previously been featured at Being Cancer Network and were inducted into our Honor Roll for Excellence in Cancer Writing.

    The award badge features our lighthouse logo against a circle of royal blue with the words “Honor Roll for Excellence in Cancer Writing” superimposed in gold over the image. It measures 108 x 125 pixels. It should easily fit a standard sidebar. It has been tested on both Wordpress and Blogger sites using their widget tools.

    Please feel free to display the badge on your site as you choose. You deserve the recognition. If you send me an email (, I wioll send you the HTML code for the badge.
    Take care, and keep up the good, strong writing. Dennis

  2. Thanks Dennis, I am honoured. Please send me the code when you have a moment - I'd love to have it on my blog.

    Thank you xx