Thursday, 9 December 2010
no, I don't feel like a 'new person'!
A comment from someone who I had told about having to have my long hair cut short - "ooh, I bet you feel like a brand new person now!" As if this was some marvelous positive thing, well thank you very much but it isn't! It would be fine if I had made the choice to have my hair cut because I fancied a change but of course that isn't the case at all and much as I would have loved to keep my lovely long locks, I really could not face the prospect of hair that length falling out when I've started chemo. I had my hair cut to make the process of going bald just a tiny bit easier to cope with, as to be honest it's a shitty thing to have happen and yes, I know it will grow back but that doesn't help in the short term.
I am going through a hard time at the moment when it comes to dealing with how I look with a breast missing. I am still badly bruised from the surgery, which doesn't help, even though the wound itself is healing well. I just hate how I look at the moment and I feel by turns depressed and angry that this has happened to me. The world around me is full of people looking forward to celebrating the holiday season and what have I got to look forward to? Oh yes, that would be my first cycle of chemo just before Christmas! I feel guilty for being so pissed off about it all, angry that I'm having to go through all of this in the first place and anxious about how my body will react to all the drugs.
To to top all that off I have a couple of 'friends' who have been very unsympathetic about my sadness at losing my hair. I've been told that I just have to try and deal with it. Well, for heaven's sake, I know that I have to find a way to do that but a bit of sympathy would not go amiss! One 'friend' in particular seemed incapable of understanding that I find the hair loss so upsetting, seeming to think that it pales into comparison with losing a breast. Yes, on a sliding scale it isn't as bad as after all my hair will grow back at some point but she seemed unable to see that for me, this is about being visually labeled a cancer patient. I can hide the fact that I've had a mastectomy quite easily but hair loss is another matter altogether.
Oh and why we are at it - why the hell is having cancer so damned expensive? New bras and other underwear, some new clothes, wigs, hats, scarves etc., it adds up to a rather scary sum of money!