Saturday, 29 December 2012

Building Bridges, Chasing Hope

It's been a long few months filled with some of those moments that so many of us are familiar with - the success, the failures and all the little things in between. In the past couple of months I've had some cancer adventures that I'd rather forget but there have been positive things along the road too.

Shortly after my last entry I had to deal with the horror of finding a new lump in my remaining breast. New tests, more worry but this time just something that needs monitoring rather than definitely being cancer. Still rather scary but not as bad as it could have been. I am back on 3 monthly check ups with my beast surgeon but there is at least the comfort that should it turn into anything worse, it will be deal with very quickly. I'm just trying to push the worry into the background somewhat so that it doesn't become overwhelming.

I have had to finally admit that my health is never going to return to its pre-diagnosis condition. Sadly, whilst treatment may have saved my life, it has also destroyed my health and that's been a pretty hard thing to come to terms with. There are far too many things that I can no longer do and miss so much, so 2013 is about learning to deal with this and finding a middle ground. I will be exploring what I can do rather than focusing on what is no longer possible. I'm not there yet but I do at least now recognise that there are things I can do - I just need to look for them and not set my sights too high.

Realism is the name of today's game.

Other health concerns will need to be taken into account to ensure I don't make myself worse rather than better. I am now on a fairly strong dose of daily morphine to help me cope with the crippling pain in my chest. This makes me incredibly sleepy - I wouldn't wake up in the mornings at all if it wasn't for my lovely husband. I have turned into the 'Sleeping Beauty' but without the beauty bit! :) It's not done much for my weight, which has plummeted, but at least I don't spend every waking hour in pain which is a huge improvement on how I felt just a few months ago.

I have saved the good news for the very end though. . .

Three weeks ago I stopped wearing my wig! I realised that I could style my hair well enough that it was time to put aside my 'security blanket.' My hair is still very fine and thin, and in places there's virtually none at all but it is now possible to at least hide the worst bits. I still wear my lovely long wig which enables me to look like my pre-diagnosis self when I want to dress up, but my every day wig, having served me faithfully has been carefully stored away. It was an incredibly difficult thing to do but I am so pleased that I've managed to do it!

My treat for the new year is a trip to the hairdresser to have my hair coloured and get some help on styling and caring for my new locks.

Am I happy with how I look? That's a tough one to answer because when I look in the mirror I still have trouble recognising the woman staring back at me. Now though I am getting used to her and starting to at least think of her as a part of me, rather than some stranger I do not know.

What does 2013 hold for me?

First off is the hope of continuing to have NED (No Evidence of Disease) as my companion - so far, so good on that score!

As I said above,I am continuing to work on getting more accustomed to the'new me' both in looks and health. This is a task for the entire year, not just a few months!

In other news, look for some developments for this blog; I am planning new and exciting things. More news about this very early on in the New Year.

Meanwhile,  thank you for continuing to share my journey, I wish all my readers a peaceful, happy and healthy 2013!


  1. Good post. Value the honesty. Love the courage found in your blog. I would expect helpful to many. Thank you! I started a blog this year hoping to offer bits of hope, thoughts and ideas that could make a difference.
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    **03**Mental depressed *

  2. Thank you for your kind comments. You can continue to follow my writing at my new home -