Thursday, 28 June 2012

Getting back into the habit.

I haven't blogged for a while for lots of reasons. Partly because I lost my writing 'mojo' for a while but also because I've had distracting things going on in my private life too, the worst of which was a recent new cancer scare. Luckily that turned out to be a false alarm but this time last month I was convinced that I had a new primary in my remaining breast and I got horribly, horribly depressed about it all. Whilst it turned out not to be cancer the worry of it all brought back a lot of the PTSD issues which I am struggling to get back under control. On top of all that my Breast Care Nurse is pretty sure I have Lymphoedema and I am waiting for an appointment with the specialist clinic.

I know that I need to be less harsh on myself but 18 months on I am annoyed that I am still having problems dealing with all the scary stuff that happened when I nearly died. Those last few weeks of treatment, the nearly dying, the horrible fall, painful radiotherapy. . .  Mentally and emotionally I just don't seem able to move on from it all. To make matters worse, physically I am still not up to much with ongoing pain in my chest on my treatment side and pain in my upper arm which is probably the Lymphoedema. So you can see that writing has not been top of my list of priorities for the last few weeks.

Right now what I really want is quite simple - a day without pain and sleep without nightmares.

Not much to ask for is it?

I know that life cannot return to how things were before diagnosis but I yearn for a life 'more ordinary'. A life where pain and worry don't take up so much of my existence. A life that is full of all those mundane little things that I moaned about and took for granted pre-diagnosis.

<Insert a big sigh!>

Meanwhile I promise to write here more regularly again from now on.

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