Reflections

A year is a long time in anyone's life and for most of us it just flies by as the minutes, hours and days flow ever onwards. There were times last year when I felt that my life was stuck in slow motion as the days of chemotherapy dragged themselves by. At the very nadir on days when I didn't want to go on, it was a nightmare that there seemed no chance of waking from. My worst nightmare came true when in the space of an hour I went from slightly unwell to dangerously ill as the treatment designed to save my life was actually attempting to kill me. (New readers who want to know what happened can read about it here)

Coming so close to death can teach you many lessons, not the least is of course 'carpe diem' but that would be to over-simplify things. My brush with death and having to live with the knowledge that the cancer is gone for now but probably not gone for good, has taught me many things. It's certainly made me appreciate the simple joys of a pretty flower, a beautiful sunset, a stunning view. Life is precious - it is not enough to just wear it, you need to live it whilst you can!  Not quite as simple as it sounds but it serves as my mantra on good days and as a quiet reminder on those that are bad.

Cancer has stolen many things from me, things I will never get back, things that we all take for granted, things I took for granted. I am struggling to deal with that loss, to find a new path to walk. One that involves sunshine and showers instead of the cold dark rain. One that makes the insistent voice of fear a little harder to hear. I will never learn how to ignore it but I will learn how to turn the volume down.

My spirit maybe bent but it hasn't been broken.

I may still be having nightmares and flashbacks,

but I am here,

I am still standing

and that's what counts the most.