Friday, 24 June 2011

A curious thing. . .

I realised this morning that my bathroom cupboard is still full of all the trappings of my pre-menopause, pre-chemotherapy life. Why have I not thrown it all away??? It seems bizarre that I haven't, given the fact that I've had hellish problems with it all over the years and had in fact been in discussions with my GP last year about the possibility of a hysterectomy. I wonder whether it is something in my subconscious not wanting to admit that my days of fertility are at an end?

That would be very strange considering that being a mother was not exactly ever on my list of priorities. Then again maybe it's an age/milestone thing? Perhaps subconsciously I am unable to throw everything away because it means admitting to myself that I am now most definitely in 'middle life' and having to deal with the consequences of growing old(er). Part of me also wonders whether it's just my brain still not able to come to terms with how cancer has affected my body - permanently.

All very strange to my way of thinking because whilst very few women 'celebrate' reaching the end of periods, mostly it is a huge sense of relief not to be bothered with the hassle of it all any more. I remember back in January when I'd realised that periods had stopped after my first cycle of chemotherapy, thinking 'well that's one thing less to worry about' and just being grateful that I wouldn't be dealing with that as well as all the chemo side effects.

Like I said - all very strange. . .this cancer thing, it messes with your head!

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