tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84406722445155320622024-03-19T10:12:40.942+00:00The Blue Fairy's Breast Cancer BlogWhat's it like to have breast cancer? Well everyone's experience is different depending on what type of cancer you have, where you live and of course how it affects you both emotionally as well as physically. This blog is a record of how it affects me.ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-11179703373496392652013-01-16T21:45:00.000+00:002013-01-16T21:45:01.080+00:00A new homeHi everyone, I have moved this blog over to a new account at Wordpress. I made the decision to do this because all my other blogs are there. So please go to <a href="http://bluefairybreastcancer.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">http://bluefairybreastcancer.wordpress.com </a>to continue reading my story and take advantage of all the interesting articles and reviews I will be posting over the coming months.<br />
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I will still be calling by to catch up with all those whose blogs I follow here, so I'm not abandoning you altogether! :)ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-58052698207975315562013-01-04T11:21:00.000+00:002013-01-04T11:21:24.539+00:00A new direction for 2013The main reason I started writing this blog in 2010 was to provide myself with an outlet for my thoughts on dealing with a breast cancer diagnosis and to chronicle what happened to me along the way. I think it is fair to say that thus far, it has not been an easy road to travel with so many awful things happening along the way. I am however, over the worst for now and whilst I will still be adding posts about my treatment and life generally in respect of how it all affects me both physically and emotionally, there are other things I also want to write about.<br />
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One of the things I have noticed over the last two years is that although there are some truly wonderful blogs and websites out there, there are in fact very few that offer a place where those with breast cancer can find honest reviews on things like mastectomy bras for different occasions, sizes and budgets. Where to purchase a wig and how to wear it and look after it. What sort of hats suit different faces and where to buy ones that not only fit but do not break the bank! Cosmetics that help make us feel and look a little better both during treatment and after it has finished especially advice on how to do things like drawing on eyebrows during chemotherapy. If like me, you do not live near a support group or too far away from places where you can attend something wonderful like a <a href="http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/breast-cancer-services/talks-courses-local-support/hair-loss-advisory-service" target="_blank">Breast Cancer Care Headstrong session</a>, information on how to do some basic things like this makes such a difference to your quality of life at a time when small comforts mean a lot.<br />
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It's the little things that make all the difference.<br />
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Then there is all those important things that help you deal with the effects of treatment. Yes, there are plenty of lists floating around detailing all the sort of things to consider but I could find very few places where there were proper reviews written by those who were actually most in need of the products - us! For example, I wanted to know not just that X type of toothpaste helped with sore gums but which brands were best and why. It sounds silly but you would not believe the difference it made knowing which actual makes of things were the most chemo-patient-friendly and, if you were on a small budget, which of the lower cost ones worked best. I went through 3 different types of toothpaste and umpteen different types of toothbrush before getting a combination that worked for me. As I suffered terribly with Mucositis and mouth ulcers this was a very big deal at the time.<br />
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Having discovered for myself just how hard it is to actually find much of this information in just one place, I decided that I would have a go at providing as much of it as I could myself, based on my own experiences and that of friends in a similar position. I will draw on almost 20 years experience of writing various types of reviews in my quest to bring you the kind of information I was unable to find.<br />
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It doesn't stop there however because one of the things that has truly aggrieved me since having a mastectomy is just how poorly we are served as far as mastectomy wear is concerned. Yes, there are plenty of very good brands out there selling very pretty bras but at such a cost that for most of us these are special occasion items not ones we can afford for everyday use. Oh and absolutely forget it if you do not conform to what most manufacturers see as a 'normal' range of sizes. If you require a larger cup size then the chances are you will be faced with virtually no choices at all and if like me you are very small, then once again the number of bras available to you is pretty dismal. Then there is the confusing advice about exactly what sort of bra one should be wearing. I have had so much conflicting advice that I really don't know who to trust when it comes to this sort of thing and as a result I've pretty much given up on ever getting something suitable.<br />
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The same actually applies to mastectomy-friendly clothing, in that basically it's more a question of finding out all the things that <i>don't </i>work than discovering what does! I used to love wearing dresses now I live in jeans and T-shirts as it's impossible to find things that work in either my size or my budget.<br />
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I want to examine why, when so many women (1 in every 8) have to cope with these problems, so many of us are left struggling to find the basic necessities that breast cancer surgery leaves us needing. I will be endeavouring to enter into a dialogue with some of the manufacturers and retail giants to see if there are ways in which some of these issues can be addressed.<br />
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That's for the future though. In the meantime I am building up a list of things I have here at home that I want to review for you. I will start very shortly and these will come in the form of both written and filmed reviews, plus I am going to provide some 'How to' videos to pass on some tips I've learned over the past couple of years.<br />
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As they say - watch this space! :)<br />
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<br />ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-2146946882843820392012-12-29T21:32:00.001+00:002012-12-29T21:32:37.824+00:00Building Bridges, Chasing HopeIt's been a long few months filled with some of those moments that so many of us are familiar with - the success, the failures and all the little things in between. In the past couple of months I've had some cancer adventures that I'd rather forget but there have been positive things along the road too.<br />
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Shortly after my last entry I had to deal with the horror of finding a new lump in my remaining breast. New tests, more worry but this time just something that needs monitoring rather than definitely being cancer. Still rather scary but not as bad as it could have been. I am back on 3 monthly check ups with my beast surgeon but there is at least the comfort that should it turn into anything worse, it will be deal with very quickly. I'm just trying to push the worry into the background somewhat so that it doesn't become overwhelming.<br />
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I have had to finally admit that my health is never going to return to its pre-diagnosis condition. Sadly, whilst treatment may have saved my life, it has also destroyed my health and that's been a pretty hard thing to come to terms with. There are far too many things that I can no longer do and miss so much, so 2013 is about learning to deal with this and finding a middle ground. I will be exploring what I can do rather than focusing on what is no longer possible. I'm not there yet but I do at least now recognise that there are things I can do - I just need to look for them and not set my sights too high.<br />
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Realism is the name of today's game.<br />
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Other health concerns will need to be taken into account to ensure I don't make myself worse rather than better. I am now on a fairly strong dose of daily morphine to help me cope with the crippling pain in my chest. This makes me incredibly sleepy - I wouldn't wake up in the mornings at all if it wasn't for my lovely husband. I have turned into the 'Sleeping Beauty' but without the beauty bit! :) It's not done much for my weight, which has plummeted, but at least I don't spend every waking hour in pain which is a huge improvement on how I felt just a few months ago.<br />
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I have saved the good news for the very end though. . .<br />
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Three weeks ago I stopped wearing my wig! I realised that I could style my hair well enough that it was time to put aside my 'security blanket.' My hair is still very fine and thin, and in places there's virtually none at all but it is now possible to at least hide the worst bits. I still wear my lovely long wig which enables me to look like my pre-diagnosis self when I want to dress up, but my every day wig, having served me faithfully has been carefully stored away. It was an incredibly difficult thing to do but I am so pleased that I've managed to do it!<br />
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My treat for the new year is a trip to the hairdresser to have my hair coloured and get some help on styling and caring for my new locks.<br />
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Am I happy with how I look? That's a tough one to answer because when I look in the mirror I still have trouble recognising the woman staring back at me. Now though I am getting used to her and starting to at least think of her as a part of me, rather than some stranger I do not know.<br />
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What does 2013 hold for me?<br />
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First off is the hope of continuing to have NED (No Evidence of Disease) as my companion - so far, so good on that score!<br />
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As I said above,I am continuing to work on getting more accustomed to the'new me' both in looks and health. This is a task for the entire year, not just a few months!<br />
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In other news, look for some developments for this blog; I am planning new and exciting things. More news about this very early on in the New Year.<br />
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Meanwhile, thank you for continuing to share my journey, I wish all my readers a peaceful, happy and healthy 2013!<br />
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<br />ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-82287849200819087772012-10-15T21:09:00.000+01:002012-10-15T21:09:01.879+01:00'Pinktober'October is a very difficult month for me. It's the month I was diagnosed in and the month in which I was told that I had no other option than to prepare for a full, possibly radical mastectomy. Even though I'd had weeks of tests and lots of hints based on the demeanor of those looking after me, I still wasn't fully prepared to hear those fateful words "I'm so sorry but it's definitely cancer" words that I will remember for the rest of my life. This was the day that my life changed. . . forever. There was no going back from here and I was so scared about what lay ahead and, as it turned out, completely justified in being so scared.<br />
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I'm still scared.<br />
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Cancer has turned my life upside down, it has in many ways, stolen my life away from me. Treatment made my underlying health conditions much worse than they were and has therefore robbed me of many things I enjoyed doing - that were an integral part of who I am. People's perceptions of me have changed. I think a lot of them see me as some kind of victim and do you know what I hate the most? It's the fact that in many ways I am exactly that - a victim. It's a hard thing both to deal with and overcome on a personal level but in many ways even harder to change how others see you and therefore how they deal with you.<br />
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I am so conflicted! I love the fact that family and friends are so anxious to look after me, it's wonderful to realise just how much they care. What is hard though is seeing the pity in other people's eyes especially those who are not close family and friends. Victim-hood tends to stick no matter how hard you try to escape it.<br />
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Of course part of the problem is that I keep on reinforcing the fact that I need to be cared for. I'm so tired all the time, I am unsteady on my feet when tired, I lose my balance where normally I would be sure-footed and yes, like a frail little old lady, I have falls that makes it look like I can't go out on my own and still be safe.<br />
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Cancer? Yes, I hate it, what it's done to me, what it's done to those around me and no matter what I try and do to forget about it, it is here to stay. . .ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-83579863239857782172012-10-10T14:52:00.000+01:002012-10-10T14:52:03.745+01:00Oh my!There are occasions when I wish I could take some time off the general merry-go-round that is everyday life and these last few days were certainly that!<br />
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On Thursday evening after eating a light tea, I started feeling generally unwell. I had an achy left arm and a slight, uncomfortable pain in my chest which I put down to being tired and indigestion. I thought I'd solve both problems by having an early evening snooze but I'd not been lying down for long when I realised that both pains were getting more insistent and one hour later I was in considerable pain. My arm really ached but the pain in my chest was horrendous. I got scared, told my husband how bad I felt and it was decided to call for an ambulance. By this time I was a combination of miserably in a lot of pain and scared about what it all could mean.<br />
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The ambulance arrived promptly and whilst yes I was in a huge amount of pain their tests and their experience pointed to it being something other than the dreaded heart attack. Nevertheless it was decided to take me to hospital for further investigations.<br />
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I was examined by a very thorough doctor who said that she thought it was some sort of muscular problem but she wanted to be sure so I had to have some bloods taken and a chest x-ray. The x-ray came back fine but much to the surprise of us and the doctor, the blood test came back suggesting that I might have had a very mild heart attack!<br />
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At this point she said that her conscience would not allow her to send me home, so she had me admitted to an observation ward instead. There was another blood test that could be done in 9 hours time that should give a clearer indication of what the problem was. At this point they gave me a big dose of morphine, some aspirin and paracetamol and finally the pain started to recede.<br />
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After an uncomfortable night (not arriving on the ward until 1.30am, a combination of hourly obs, a great deal of pain and very noisy other patients) I was very groggy the next morning. I'd had about 2.5 hours sleep in total.<br />
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A consultant came to see me at 10am and told me that whilst the second set of bloods was inconclusive, they would discharge me providing that I got plenty of rest and return immediately if the pain got very bad again. Interestingly, one of the first things he said was to ask where my compression sleeve was, because to his eyes the lymphoedema was quite obvious. I had to explain that the clinic didn't think it was bad enough to warrant one, so he's going to write suggesting that I do get issued with one pronto.<br />
Oh deep joy! :(<br />
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I have spent the last couple of days catching up on my sleep, which I have to say was not exactly difficult and I've been good about resting too! :) After talking about it all with my husband, some online research and recognising the fact that muscular pain does not disappear after a few hours, we have come to the conclusion that I most likely did have a mild heart attack. A very sobering and depressing thought.<br />
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I feel so frustrated by all of this as a few months ago I was really beginning to feel a lot more like my old self. My strength and general stamina was gradually improving and things seemed generally to be taking a turn for the better. I am still struggling to deal with the physical aftermath of the horrible reaction to the Lyrica. Who would have thought that just a small dose of something would have such a long term effect? I am still quite unsteady on my feet, especially when tired and if I feel a bit wobbly it's really hard for me to regain my balance without toppling over. Yesterday was a prime example of this - I lost my balance trying to avoid a large puddle as I went to get into the car and I could not stop myself from falling over! The combination of all of this has made me feel like a frail old lady which is not the best feeling the world. I will be so glad when things start to get back to a more normal existence!<br />
<br />ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-30691544438020787342012-09-08T15:50:00.000+01:002012-09-08T15:50:27.739+01:00Opening The Box<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Box opening of the unplanned kind. A box dropped from a great height demanding you open it by landing on your head to inform you of its arrival. There's a big label on the box telling me to 'Remember Pandora' and another that says 'You need to know this - now!' So, just like the foolish Pandora, I opened the box. . . This was something that was better left to a more private setting but unwisely, my subconscious decided that there was no time like the present. I got on the bus, took my seat and the contents of the box washed over me. I panic, gulp back the tears and force the lid back down. I can't do this here and now! I want to but I can't.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Memories, flashbacks, call them what you will, I still get hit with those associated with what we tend to call 'that day.' The day that tried to steal away all my tomorrows. Mostly they are fleeting during the day (nightmares are a whole different thing) they flash into my mind, I feel cold, vulnerable and scared but normally they do disappear after a short while.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">This one though refused to go away. It followed me during the rest of my day, hovering, wanting to be noticed, very insistent in an unpleasant way. It stood there haunting me as I sat drinking a coffee, it wouldn't let me concentrate on my Kindle. It would not leave me alone. In the end I could not ignore it or how it was making me feel. I cancelled an appointment and walked down to the river in search of peace, tranquil surroundings and a place to be alone with my fears.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I sat there.</span><br />
<br style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;" />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I closed my eyes.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I opened the box.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Impressions wash over me.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I am floating, I am scared, I am dying.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I am in the arms of my loved one who is calling my name, I feel tears on my face and I know they are not mine.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I feel the anguish, the potent emotions of loss and love.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Love</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I open my eyes, I take a breath, I am here again.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Please don't let me go.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">As I sit gazing over the water, I admire the majesty of a beautiful sunset setting the sky aflame as it turns my tears into tiny sparkles of light. I ask myself if it was a mistake to open the box but then I realise that I had no choice because the box would open whether I wanted it to or not. The contents were overwhelming in so many ways but comforting too because it adds one more piece to the puzzle of what happened 'that day.'</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">'That day' </span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Will I ever stop thinking about it? Will it haunt me both waking and dreaming indefinitely or will the day come when I will know that the box has been gently closed and put at the back of the wardrobe? Something that I may get out and look in when</span><i style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> I</i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> want to but not something to face every day.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Make that day come soon.</span>
ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-21454614359903775922012-08-13T19:02:00.000+01:002012-08-13T19:02:56.688+01:00ResultsI've just had a letter from my consultant telling me that at this time there is no need to worry. There is a nodule on my lung that they've noted and he's decided to put me back on 3 monthly check ups for the time being.<br />
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One incredibly huge sigh of relief!<br />
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However, the chest pain continues unabated and has in fact got ahead of my pain relief, not a happy situation to find myself in. Also no help or advice was offered regarding dealing with pain so I am left with the need to go back to my GP and pursue other routes of investigation. Things were so bad on Thursday that I was throwing up as a result of the pain. I have an interim cocktail of drugs that will see me through this week's trip away to visit my mother and then after that I have an appointment with my GP to discuss where we go from here.<br />
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My Breast Care Nurse is of the opinion that it is the combination of broken ribs that were irradiated before they had any chance to heal and general damage from surgery and radiotherapy. A lot of people end up with permanent damage (I already have bad radiation damage to my lung) from rads which doesn't really improve. I could be stuck with this indefinitely!<br />
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So, a yay for no more cancer but a boo for needing more regular monitoring and no solution to the dreadful pain. I am obviously very happy about the first but something needs to be done about the last.<br />
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Watch this space. . . <br />
<br />ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-53426193297918685672012-07-31T21:02:00.000+01:002012-07-31T21:02:06.308+01:00All scanned!A very early start at the hospital today! My appointment was for just after 8am so we had to be up well before 6am so that I could take all my meds before the 2-hour fast started. As usual, despite the best efforts of the radiographers, getting the cannula in was something of a nightmare, so I am rather bruised and battered as a result. They told me that in future it ought to be possible for me to have an advanced appointment with the chemo unit to have someone used to dealing with crappy veins put the cannula in. That would be make a huge difference! The scan itself is a doddle compared with all the hassle with the cannula!<br />
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Now it's back to the waiting game. I've been told that my scans should be reviewed at the weekly MDT meeting this Thursday. Hopefully that means that someone should get back to me fairly soon after then - keep your fingers crossed for me!ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-5916033619213926222012-07-12T12:22:00.000+01:002012-07-12T12:22:14.896+01:00WorryingLast week I went for my 6 monthly check up with my surgeon. Having been through all the worry of finding a new lump and then getting the wonderful news that it was benign, I thought this was going to be a piece of cake. Which just goes to show that you should never take things for granted where cancer is concerned!<br />
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I took this appointment as an opportunity to mention the ongoing pain I have in my chest that is mainly focused on the area directly underneath my scar. This has been with me for a year and is not only very debilitating, it is also inconvenient as most of the time it makes it too uncomfortable to wear a bra. As a result, even though I have a new contact prosthesis, I am forced most days to use my soft 'temporary' one if I want to look symmetrical when I go out.<br />
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I had assumed (mainly because this is what my GP has said) that the pain is there because of the broken ribs I sustained last year from being resuscitated and the horrible fall and that radiotherapy had slowed down the healing process. I just resigned myself to being on painkillers for a long time in the hope that it would eventually sort itself out. However, after a year of constant pain I thought I might as well get a second opinion whilst I was with my surgeon.<br />
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He then shocked me by saying that there was absolutely no way broken ribs would still be causing pain after all this time. Instead he thought that there was something much more serious going on in the form of either a regional recurrence or bone mets and has ordered up a load of tests and scans. He also said he is referring me to another surgeon to get a second opinion on it all.<br />
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It is an understatement to say that I was shocked!<br />
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As a result I am struggling to sleep again and really very scared at the possibility of facing the same traumatic treatment I went through last year. I'm not sure how I will cope psychologically if I need to have chemotherapy again, just thought of it fills me with dread.<br />
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The icing on the cake was a confirmed diagnosis of Lymphoedema, which is hugely disappointing when I've been so careful to look after my arm but I guess when it's your right side and you are right-handed, the risks were that much higher. My surgeon is referring me to the specialist clinic and he also wants a scan of the veins in my upper arm to see if vasculitis is a contributory factor.<br />
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So, all in all not what I was expecting from a routine check up. It truly sucks to be back playing the waiting game again!ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-59990520175872649182012-06-28T12:03:00.001+01:002012-06-28T12:03:41.210+01:00Getting back into the habit.I haven't blogged for a while for lots of reasons. Partly because I lost my writing 'mojo' for a while but also because I've had distracting things going on in my private life too, the worst of which was a recent new cancer scare. Luckily that turned out to be a false alarm but this time last month I was convinced that I had a new primary in my remaining breast and I got horribly, horribly depressed about it all. Whilst it turned out not to be cancer the worry of it all brought back a lot of the PTSD issues which I am struggling to get back under control. On top of all that my Breast Care Nurse is pretty sure I have Lymphoedema and I am waiting for an appointment with the specialist clinic.<br />
<br />
I know that I need to be less harsh on myself but 18 months on I am annoyed that I am still having problems dealing with all the scary stuff that happened when I nearly died. Those last few weeks of treatment, the nearly dying, the horrible fall, painful radiotherapy. . . Mentally and emotionally I just don't seem able to move on from it all. To make matters worse, physically I am still not up to much with ongoing pain in my chest on my treatment side and pain in my upper arm which is probably the Lymphoedema. So you can see that writing has not been top of my list of priorities for the last few weeks.<br />
<br />
Right now what I really want is quite simple - a day without pain and sleep without nightmares.<br />
<br />
Not much to ask for is it?<br />
<br />
I know that life cannot return to how things were before diagnosis but I yearn for a life 'more ordinary'. A life where pain and worry don't take up so much of my existence. A life that is full of all those mundane little things that I moaned about and took for granted pre-diagnosis.<br />
<br />
<Insert a big sigh!><br />
<br />
Meanwhile I promise to write here more regularly again from now on.ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-81973633443677460872012-05-04T11:54:00.000+01:002012-05-04T11:54:47.208+01:00Lessons in life (otherwise known as 'what cancer teaches you')Cancer has taught me many things,
things that perhaps none of us should need to learn but I do believe it
has made me a stronger person. Not in that awful clichéd sense of the word but simply that you have to find some sort of inner strength to deal with having cancer, its treatment and the life you are left with after active treatment is over. <br />
<br />
The
experience of having cancer has taught me that carpe diem is a
truism, most especially if you have the kind of poor projected survival
rate that I have. I am trying to learn that the day is also something
that can slip from your hands no matter how hard you try to seize it and
that I shouldn't consider it a failure if I don't always manage to
catch it because there <i>will </i>be other days. Yes, I can say that
cancer has blighted my life but I can also say 'I'm still standing'
because I am, even if there are days when standing is hard.<br />
<br />
Cancer
has also taught me that not everyone is able to deal with you in the
same way they did before because cancer is scary and they don't know how
to treat you or what to say, and as a result they slowly fade out of
your life. I was surprised and quite shocked to discover the hard way
who those people were but there is nothing I can do to change that and
that is a failing on their part not mine. It is easy to feel bitter and
indeed, a keen sense of loss, but in the end you have to just be
grateful for those who stayed to make the journey with you because they
are the ones who count the most.<br />
<br />
I think we have a preprogrammed, almost primal fear of cancer and what it
can mean regardless of what the prognosis might be. People shy away from you because on a very basic, almost subconscious level, they are afraid it might be contagious. The dreaded C-word is a stark reminder of one's own mortality. Also
cancer is something that happens to other people, not to us, our family
or our friends. The shock of that and what it means is often enough on
its own to make people take a step back. <br />
<br />
I hate the fact that
awareness of my own mortality has been thrust upon me in such a brutal
manner but it also gives one a great deal of focus too. It's learning
how to make the most of that focus that helps you deal with the rest - mostly. <br />
<br />ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-47803418209974343442012-05-02T19:08:00.001+01:002012-05-02T19:08:50.432+01:00When will I be me again?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br /></div>
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There are days when I feel like cancer has swallowed up my
life, my world, my entire being, leaving me a poorer version of the person I
used to be.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Where is the colour, where is the life, will I stay frozen
like this forever?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But wait. . . </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can feel the warmth of the sun shining down
on me, telling me that yes, one day,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will be me again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<br /></div>ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-45146668297221804402012-04-16T11:42:00.001+01:002012-04-16T11:42:41.654+01:00ReflectionsA year is a long time in anyone's life and for most of us it just flies
by as the minutes, hours and days flow ever onwards. There were times
last year when I felt that my life was stuck in slow motion as the days
of chemotherapy dragged themselves by. At the very nadir on days when I
didn't want to go on, it was a nightmare that there seemed no chance of
waking from. My worst nightmare came true when in the space of an hour I
went from slightly unwell to dangerously ill as the treatment designed
to save my life was actually attempting to kill me. (New readers who
want to know what happened can read about it <a href="http://ondineblue.blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/stepping-back-from-precipice-treatment.html" target="_blank">here</a>)<br /><br />Coming
so close to death can teach you many lessons, not the least is of
course 'carpe diem' but that would be to over-simplify things. My brush
with death and having to live with the knowledge that the cancer is gone
for now but probably not gone for good, has taught me many things. It's
certainly made me appreciate the simple joys of a pretty flower, a
beautiful sunset, a stunning view. Life is precious - it is not enough
to just wear it, you need to live it whilst you can! Not quite as
simple as it sounds but it serves as my mantra on good days and as a
quiet reminder on those that are bad.<br /><br />Cancer has stolen many things from me, things I will never get back, things that we all take for granted, things<i> I</i>
took for granted. I am struggling to deal with that loss, to find a new
path to walk. One that involves sunshine and showers instead of the
cold dark rain. One that makes the insistent voice of fear a little
harder to hear. I will never learn how to ignore it but I <i>will </i>learn how to turn the volume down.<br /><br />My spirit maybe bent but it hasn't been broken.<br /><br />I may still be having nightmares and flashbacks,<br /><br />but I am here,<br /><br />I am still standing<br /><br />and that's what counts the most.ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-73010738327187062762012-03-26T16:37:00.000+01:002012-03-26T16:37:19.899+01:00SadnessTomorrow I will be hopping on a coach to travel 200 miles to stay with my mother. Ordinarily something I would be very much looking forward to but sadly it is to attend the funeral of my aunt who recently died from breast cancer. She had been ill from secondaries for many months so it was not unexpected but it has still been very hard to deal with because once again I am faced with the horrible consequences of having breast cancer. It will be a very emotional day for all of us.<br />
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This is the 4th member of my family we have lost due to breast cancer which somehow makes this loss even harder.<br />
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I am hoping that it will be a bright sunny day for the funeral because my aunt was a bright sunny person who particularly enjoyed Spring.<br />
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Rest in Peace Barbara, gone but never forgotten. <br />
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<br />ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-60330192666370508642012-02-26T20:55:00.000+00:002012-02-26T21:03:57.597+00:00Standing in the rainThe amazing power of something small and trivial, and its ability to create havoc with your emotions. <br />
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In my hand is a small rhinestone hair slide. It's pretty, sparkly and a symbol of everything I feel cancer has stolen from me; a stark reminder that I am damaged, scarred and hurting both inside and out. <br />
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A tiny thing but still big enough to allow reality to sneak through my defences and bring my world crashing down. I have lost so much and I am struggling, floundering, flailing around trying to find a way forward, a pathway through the darkness back to my spot of sunshine and warmth.<br />
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Where <i>is</i> that sunshine dammit? Why am I standing here crying in the rain?<br />
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The anguish I felt when I happened upon the hair slide was overwhelming. Somehow it really did sum up all that has been consigned to the past, because right now I don't think I'm ever going to feel comfortable and happy with the body that breast cancer has left me. Once upon a time I would have berated myself for vanity but it really isn't as simple as that. As a performance artist, how I look is an intrinsic part of who I am, both on stage and off and it is not the person I see looking back in the mirror. I ache for what is gone, not just because cancer rewrites the path of your life whether you want it to or not, but the fact that even the simple pleasure of putting a pretty slide in my hair is denied me. Well, yes of course I can still put a slide in my hair, but it is not the same because it doesn't add a touch of glamour or frivolity, all it does is emphasize the fact that my hair still isn't growing back properly and that it doesn't look like <i>my </i>hair.<br />
<br />
So here I am.<br />
<br />
It's raining hard.<br />
<br />
I don't have an umbrella and there's no shelter in sight - it's going to be a long, cold night.<br />
<br />ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-33920821319036740762012-02-22T21:08:00.000+00:002012-02-22T21:08:06.335+00:00Sigh!There are times when I feel like cancer is stalking my life just for the hell of it! Why? I asked my GP to look at what I thought were some areas of obstinate eczema only to be told that I need to see a dermatologist as they looked 'suspicious.' Suspicions that were proved correct because today I have a diagnosis of 4 skin cancer lesions one of which is stage two! Luckily none of them are life-threatening in the way that breast cancer is but none the less they all have to be excised, so I will have yet more scars to add to my growing collection of such things.<br />
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I've been worrying about all of this for a while and this is the main reason why I haven't posted in a while. I am going to remedy that from now onwards and will make the effort to post more regularly again. I have been involved in writing projects for other things and that's also taken up a fair amount of my time but all apart from one of those is coming to an end this week.<br />
<br />ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-86349653500478136912012-01-24T19:29:00.000+00:002012-01-24T19:29:19.264+00:00Distraction therapy<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
I have decided that I need some small projects to work on to stop me from worrying about the possible skin mets and what that might mean. As a result I made the decision to do two things; sign up for a course in jewellery making and join <a href="http://www.blipfoto.com/browse" target="_blank">Blipfoto</a>.</div>
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I have made various types of jewellery on and off over the years, particularly when I needed specific things for a dance theatre piece because I could tailor it to exactly what I needed and mostly it cost less too. I've done a lot of bead embroidery out of necessity either again for something that would have been hard to buy or to repair costumes I already own. I've never had any formal training in any of this though, so I thought a foundation course in jewellery making was a good place to start. I mainly worked with wire and that's what I want to focus on. The course starts in a couple of weeks at the local college.</div>
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Blipfoto is something altogether different.</div>
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This is a daily photo journal with a difference - you can only post one image per day. I've made a commitment (mainly to myself) to a 365 day-in-the-life-of project to record my recovery from last year. Some of it will be intensely personal and reflective but it will also feature an appreciation of the little things in life. It's an opportunity to share those moments that we usually take for granted, whether it be the first flowers of Spring, a pretty view or a piece cake bought as a treat. Although I'll have to be careful that there isn't too much cake buying! :)</div>
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You can follow my photographic adventures here - <a href="http://www.blipfoto.com/OndineBlue" target="_blank">OndineBlue at Blipfoto</a></div>
<br /><br />ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-55292813146134929882012-01-22T11:50:00.000+00:002012-01-22T15:29:09.495+00:00It's not funny (or easy) being a fashion victim!<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
What to wear and indeed, where to buy it, is a major problem for all
women with breast cancer. Trying to find nice things to wear that also
works with the restrictions of a post-surgery body has been something of
a nightmare for me and thousands of women like me.<br />
<br />
I have found
the whole experience pretty horrible as it's been virtually impossible
to find anything that works and is pretty. As a result I now live in
t-shirts and jeans with all my pretty clothes either hidden in the back
of the wardrobe or consigned to the charity shop. I can't tell you how
many times I have walked around the high street desperate for something
else to wear and then come home empty-handed and in tears.<br />
<br />
Libby
Page has made a very moving short film about this in the hopes of making
the fashion industry more aware of this issue. In order to help make our voices heard
please watch the video and share it. Thank you!<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yruRgvNDqsk&context=C306e559ADOEgsToPDskIcpVicJ0nuJQiQvWipcRZ9" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yruRgvND<wbr></wbr>qsk&context=C306e559ADOEgsToPDskIcpVicJ0<wbr></wbr>nuJQiQvWipcRZ9</a></div>ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-34170171718250687282012-01-15T21:32:00.000+00:002012-01-15T21:32:52.381+00:00It's been a while. . .<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
The truth is that having managed to jump off the merry-go-round once, I am now back on it again! The problems with my lung turned out to be radiation damage, not the best of news but not cancer either. However, now I am waiting to find out if I have skin mets! It's all go here isn't it???</div>
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I have been struggling with awful pain over the last few months due to a combination of things - soreness as a result of the original treatment, broken ribs and the icing the cake of course was contracting shingles on my treatment site. I've been taking anti-inflammatory drugs but they just weren't helping so I am currently on an escalating dose of Gabapentin with Amitriptyline. During a trip to the doctor for a progress report I casually mentioned that I have a couple of patches of persistent eczema. He took a good long look at them and pronounced that he's pretty sure that they are cancer! Now I am waiting for some tests to find out if it's common or garden skin cancer or skin mets.</div>
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Meanwhile I am planning some interesting things for 2012, regardless of the outcome of the tests! I have enrolled on a jewellery making course at the local college, something I've done on and off over the years but never actually taken lessons in it. I am looking forward to starting the classes next month.</div>
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Next on the list is to try and kick start my dancing by attempting a couple of hours of gentle practise each week. I'll never be able to return to how things were before diagnosis but it would be nice to be able to do something.</div>
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In May I'll be celebrating a milestone birthday and I've decided that just this once I am going to have a party to celebrate. It'll be a very modest affair - a meal out in a restaurant with my closest family. I've chosen to celebrate it for three reasons; it's a milestone, it coincides with the first anniversary of when I finished active treatment and lastly because I am grateful for the fact that I am actually here to do so!</div>
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2011 was a tough year and there were times when I never thought I get to the end of it all. Anything I do in 2012 is therefore going to be much easier by comparison!</div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So here's to a much better year!</span><br />
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<br />ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-7329338137536765092011-12-03T13:00:00.001+00:002011-12-03T13:20:35.725+00:00Back on the Merry-Go-Round!<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Yes, once again I am stuck in the waiting room! It's been almost two weeks since my first post-treatment mammogram and the ensuing wait for results is really starting to get to me! I think it's a combination of things but mainly the fact that of course that I'm still trying to deal with all those wretched anniversaries!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Your brain does very strange things when confronted with this sort of situation. Some days I am filled with dread, convinced that the cancer is back and worried about all that would entail but then I tell myself that I need to follow the maxim of 'no news is good news' and try to ignore all the negative stuff. The problem is that I seem unable to get a firm grip on the latter, so I end up not sleeping, being a pain to live with and weepy about the most stupid of things.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">and whilst we are on the subject - what's with all the tears anyway???</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I seem able to turn on the waterworks for the most ridiculous of things at the moment, which is extremely annoying. I am not normally a weepy sort of person but this last year has turned me into one and I hate it. I am revisiting chapters from the Cancer Survivors Handbook in a bid to try and make sense of it all and also to try and get things back under control.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">and there's another thing that's become part of my world. . . control, or rather a perceived lack of it. I feel like someone else has control over me and my life. Not so much on the micro level but on the macro level, as in deciding what my future is and how much of a future I have actually got. I want to be in control again!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">3 years ago I performed a number called "Doll?" which was very much about feeling like one's fate was controlled by another and what I want to do is emulate the end of that number where the strings are cut and the doll is free! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Oh what I would give to have that freedom today!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Learning to live on the strange planet that is my new reality, is proving to be far harder than I ever thought it would be. I have lived my life following one adventure after another and this is the toughest 'adventure' of the lot! </span>ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-43994142991504020302011-11-14T12:50:00.001+00:002011-11-14T16:09:03.792+00:00Dealing with the now (and then)<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I've been struggling over the last month as I try to turn my face to the sun instead of wandering around under a cloud. There is something truly crappy about being diagnosed at the start of Breast Cancer Awareness Month - a double whammy of dealing with the news/anniversary whilst seeing all the fundraising, media campaigns etc. Then there is November, the month in which I said goodbye to my breast and hello to the daunting prospect of chemotherapy and the knowledge that the cancer was worse than originally thought. </div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It is tough work trying to navigate through all the anniversaries and my life seems to be revolving around them at the moment!</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">As I have said there is D(iagnosis)-Day, Operation Day, Results Day, First Chemo Day - the list seems never ending!</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">From talking to others I have come to realise that probably (hopefully?) the first couple of years are definitely the hardest to deal with because the pain and loss are still so fresh in one's mind. I really hope that this will be true because every few days I find myself thinking about what has happened in the past year and it's not how I want to live my life.</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I want to move forward.</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I know that I can.</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It's just that finding the strength, the resolve to do so is much harder than I first realised. I want to feel truly happy again and I'm scared that I won't. I want, need, to find a way to compartmentalise my feelings about having cancer so that they run in the background of my life and are not the first thing I think about most days.</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I need to spend some time looking for the sun in my life. </div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I know it's there hiding, waiting to be rediscovered, and some day I'll wake up and there it will be. Bright, shiny and ready to warm me just like it used to do.</span>ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-84214830754312374742011-10-14T11:37:00.002+01:002011-10-14T11:37:53.503+01:00One Year On<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">One year ago today I heard the words I was dreading - 'I'm so sorry but it's definitely cancer.'<br />
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As I look back over my shoulder I can see that long tunnel of blackness that has been the past year and I can still feel the cold touch of it on my soul as the darkness reaches out to try and engulf me once more. I find myself staring blankly, numbly, unable to move as the shadow of fear stretches out.<br />
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I am frozen.<br />
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Frozen in place like a fly caught in amber.<br />
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I want to move but I'm stuck here in that place between the life that was, the life I want and the life that is my new reality.<br />
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Is it really all happening to me?<br />
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My body tells its own sad story. Maimed, scarred, battered and beaten, a shadow of its former self. An awkward child, difficult to love but begging for affection looks back from the mirror each day. When will I learn to love her?<br />
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Has the cancer really gone?? Is it hiding, stalking me, waiting to pounce again?<br />
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Questions I ask myself almost every day.<br />
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Questions I cannot ignore.<br />
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Questions no one can answer.<br />
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As I try to turn to face the future, I know I have challenges ahead. I try to take the first steps forward, reluctantly because my heart and soul are filled with dread. I have to breathe deeply, to push past the anxiety and find life worth living again.<br />
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What if. . . ? Is a dangerous game to play but strangely seductive, too seductive. Its soft siren song will lure you in and before long you are walking in the the twilight world of 'what if' and doubt and fear. Sometimes it's too much to bear.<br />
<br />
But I must walk away.<br />
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I must run away, for madness is what lurks there.<br />
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I turn my face to the sunlight, I feel the warmth on my face.<br />
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I bask in the glow of hope.<br />
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Tomorrow will be a better day.</div>ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-88842471605193203992011-10-13T11:04:00.001+01:002011-10-13T11:28:05.438+01:00Breast Cancer, The Media & 'Zleb' Culture<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month so of course there are lots of stories popping up all over the place featuring various 'celebrities' who have breast cancer and I am sick to death of hearing how one particular actress thinks of it as 'just a year out of my life'! For fuck's sake woman, will you stop giving the impression that breast cancer is soft, pink, fluffy and having it/being treated for it is like a picnic in the park! I was incensed at a television interview she gave last week, basically saying it was no big deal and equally incensed when I found out that they chose to interview her rather than the two 'ordinary' women originally signed up because their stories were about the crap side of having breast cancer. I have so much admiration for the likes of Kylie Minogue, Sally Whitaker and Jennifer Saunders (via her husband) who were honest enough to say that it is anything but 'just a year out of my life.'<br />
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Also, if one more bloody zleb tells the world that she has got the 'all clear' I swear I will buy a gun and shoot her myself! You <i>never </i>get an 'all clear' for breast cancer, it's one of those that is very good at reappearing in other places, coming back in the other breast or on the site of your original lump. Okay, it is fair to say that I fall into the smaller percentage of women at a much higher risk of recurrence which is why this really annoys me, but no one yet knows enough about the mechanisms that breast cancer cells use to enable it lay dormant and then pop up again after primary treatment is completed, often years after that treatment is completed. This is why you can never say you have the 'all clear' all you can say is that you have 'no evidence of disease.'<br />
<br />
This has led me to wonder whether celebrity spokeswomen for breast cancer are in fact more of a hindrance than a help because far too many of them paint a less than honest picture about what it means to have it. This is all part of why I think that whilst it has its uses, breast cancer awareness month is far too pink and fluffy for its own good. Plus a large percentage of it is marketed towards younger women when in fact the greatest proportion of women with breast cancer fall into the 60+ age category. I have yet to see much in any of the media coverage so far that actually talks about how to check your breasts and why is there no mention that men can get it too. . .</span></div>ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-38524397803863111582011-10-10T16:26:00.000+01:002011-10-10T16:26:57.989+01:00Some times it's the little things that get you down!<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">At the end of the month I am hosting a fund raising event in support of </span><a href="http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Breast Cancer Care</a> <span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">and I thought it would be the simplest thing in the world to buy an elegant, long dress in pink. However, I discovered that finding one that was mastectomy-friendly was very hard indeed and really brought home to me just how much having breast cancer affects my life, making even the most mundane of things a trial and a chore. It's very hard not to end up depressed and disillusioned about it all!</span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">As it comes up to the first anniversary of my diagnosis I have been thinking about five things:</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">1. Breast cancer changes your life - for ever. It's something that you have to find some way of living with because once you have been diagnosed and treated there will always be that niggling worry that it will pop up again somewhere else.</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">2. Life is precious and easily stolen from you. Guard it carefully and use it to the full! </div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">3. Value your friendships, but be prepared for those who you thought you could rely on the most to fall at the very first hurdle. Sadly far too many of my friends were incredibly unsupportive and the only good thing that came out of that was a shorter christmas card list! I was shocked at how many of my long-standing friends deserted me when I needed them most and indeed equally shocked that now the trials and tribulations of active treatment are over, just how many of them now want to have more to do with me again. There is always someone who views your illness as an opportunity to take advantage of your vulnerability and when it happens it can be very shocking. Thankfully I have the most fabulous husband and a very supportive family who, along with the friends that did stay around, gave me lots of support when I needed it.</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">4. Britain's National Health Service is nothing short of brilliant where I live and I have had nothing but care of the finest standard. I am hugely grateful for this because sadly it's not a reflection of a lot of people's experiences of the NHS.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">5. Never underestimate just how much having breast cancer will affect you psychologically and emotionally. It's not just the scars that you can see that you need to adjust to and it's not a good idea to ignore this. Whilst the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I developed as a result of all my emergency, life-threatening treatment has subsided greatly, it still rears it's ugly head and catches me out when I least expect it. This plus the psychological impact of the changes to my body has taken its toll over the past year and I have a long way to go before I will reach a place where I can truly be happy again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I could add considerably more to this list and I will probably talk more about them over the coming weeks but I think it is fair to say that nothing really prepares you for life after diagnosis. You just have to plough your way through it as best you can and hope for the best whilst preparing for the worst.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Most importantly I have discovered that there is life and it is worth living - I just need to work at how! </span>ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8440672244515532062.post-13458035919020763252011-09-26T21:53:00.000+01:002011-09-26T21:53:08.435+01:00It's been a while. . .<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It's been an 'interesting' few weeks one way or another as I come up to the first anniversary of when I found that dreaded lump. I've been through some of the first annual check ups, developed a problem shoulder, a worry about a shadow on my lung and to round things off nicely today I found out that I could very well have shingles right over my treatment site! </div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It's certainly true to say that I don't do things halves that's for sure!</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I was very apprehensive about the first round of check ups partly because for one of them I was back in that same waiting room I sat terrified in awaiting diagnosis last year and it brought back all the old fears and worries. This was a meeting with my oncologist and when I mentioned that my shoulder has been troubling me (painful with a loss of mobility) she arranged an x-ray knowing that just a few days later I would be seeing my surgeon. This resulted in a hot ticket straight back into the 'have I got cancer?' game as the x-ray showed a distinct shadow on my lung that was not there before treatment. My surgeon was worried enough to order an urgent CT scan for the following week and right now the jury is out on whether it's something more to worry about cancer-wise or damage from radiotherapy. My surgeon is leaning towards the latter but is going to get some further opinions on the scan before deciding fully one way or another.</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Meanwhile I am struggling with an ever decreasing range of movement in my right shoulder for which I am having steroid injections into the bursa in a bid to solve the problem. It's a tricky one - weighing up the benefits of the steroids against the risk of lymphoedema from the injections. Right now though it's so uncomfortable that I decided to take the risk of the injections.</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The final straw is to discover today that I might have shingles and that if I do have it, it's too late for an anti-viral to make a difference. Just what I don't need!</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Whilst I haven't been posting online for a while, I have still been writing and I hope to post some of that over the next few days. It's musings about the past year and observations on just how much breast cancer has changed my life. </div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Now what I need is a trip to the doctor that doesn't result in more tests, more worries or something new to be wrong with me! </div>ondinebluehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08196672944922269958noreply@blogger.com0