October is a very difficult month for me. It's the month I was diagnosed in and the month in which I was told that I had no other option than to prepare for a full, possibly radical mastectomy. Even though I'd had weeks of tests and lots of hints based on the demeanor of those looking after me, I still wasn't fully prepared to hear those fateful words "I'm so sorry but it's definitely cancer" words that I will remember for the rest of my life. This was the day that my life changed. . . forever. There was no going back from here and I was so scared about what lay ahead and, as it turned out, completely justified in being so scared.
I'm still scared.
Cancer has turned my life upside down, it has in many ways, stolen my life away from me. Treatment made my underlying health conditions much worse than they were and has therefore robbed me of many things I enjoyed doing - that were an integral part of who I am. People's perceptions of me have changed. I think a lot of them see me as some kind of victim and do you know what I hate the most? It's the fact that in many ways I am exactly that - a victim. It's a hard thing both to deal with and overcome on a personal level but in many ways even harder to change how others see you and therefore how they deal with you.
I am so conflicted! I love the fact that family and friends are so anxious to look after me, it's wonderful to realise just how much they care. What is hard though is seeing the pity in other people's eyes especially those who are not close family and friends. Victim-hood tends to stick no matter how hard you try to escape it.
Of course part of the problem is that I keep on reinforcing the fact that I need to be cared for. I'm so tired all the time, I am unsteady on my feet when tired, I lose my balance where normally I would be sure-footed and yes, like a frail little old lady, I have falls that makes it look like I can't go out on my own and still be safe.
Cancer? Yes, I hate it, what it's done to me, what it's done to those around me and no matter what I try and do to forget about it, it is here to stay. . .
Monday 15 October 2012
Wednesday 10 October 2012
Oh my!
There are occasions when I wish I could take some time off the general merry-go-round that is everyday life and these last few days were certainly that!
On Thursday evening after eating a light tea, I started feeling generally unwell. I had an achy left arm and a slight, uncomfortable pain in my chest which I put down to being tired and indigestion. I thought I'd solve both problems by having an early evening snooze but I'd not been lying down for long when I realised that both pains were getting more insistent and one hour later I was in considerable pain. My arm really ached but the pain in my chest was horrendous. I got scared, told my husband how bad I felt and it was decided to call for an ambulance. By this time I was a combination of miserably in a lot of pain and scared about what it all could mean.
The ambulance arrived promptly and whilst yes I was in a huge amount of pain their tests and their experience pointed to it being something other than the dreaded heart attack. Nevertheless it was decided to take me to hospital for further investigations.
I was examined by a very thorough doctor who said that she thought it was some sort of muscular problem but she wanted to be sure so I had to have some bloods taken and a chest x-ray. The x-ray came back fine but much to the surprise of us and the doctor, the blood test came back suggesting that I might have had a very mild heart attack!
At this point she said that her conscience would not allow her to send me home, so she had me admitted to an observation ward instead. There was another blood test that could be done in 9 hours time that should give a clearer indication of what the problem was. At this point they gave me a big dose of morphine, some aspirin and paracetamol and finally the pain started to recede.
After an uncomfortable night (not arriving on the ward until 1.30am, a combination of hourly obs, a great deal of pain and very noisy other patients) I was very groggy the next morning. I'd had about 2.5 hours sleep in total.
A consultant came to see me at 10am and told me that whilst the second set of bloods was inconclusive, they would discharge me providing that I got plenty of rest and return immediately if the pain got very bad again. Interestingly, one of the first things he said was to ask where my compression sleeve was, because to his eyes the lymphoedema was quite obvious. I had to explain that the clinic didn't think it was bad enough to warrant one, so he's going to write suggesting that I do get issued with one pronto.
Oh deep joy! :(
I have spent the last couple of days catching up on my sleep, which I have to say was not exactly difficult and I've been good about resting too! :) After talking about it all with my husband, some online research and recognising the fact that muscular pain does not disappear after a few hours, we have come to the conclusion that I most likely did have a mild heart attack. A very sobering and depressing thought.
I feel so frustrated by all of this as a few months ago I was really beginning to feel a lot more like my old self. My strength and general stamina was gradually improving and things seemed generally to be taking a turn for the better. I am still struggling to deal with the physical aftermath of the horrible reaction to the Lyrica. Who would have thought that just a small dose of something would have such a long term effect? I am still quite unsteady on my feet, especially when tired and if I feel a bit wobbly it's really hard for me to regain my balance without toppling over. Yesterday was a prime example of this - I lost my balance trying to avoid a large puddle as I went to get into the car and I could not stop myself from falling over! The combination of all of this has made me feel like a frail old lady which is not the best feeling the world. I will be so glad when things start to get back to a more normal existence!
On Thursday evening after eating a light tea, I started feeling generally unwell. I had an achy left arm and a slight, uncomfortable pain in my chest which I put down to being tired and indigestion. I thought I'd solve both problems by having an early evening snooze but I'd not been lying down for long when I realised that both pains were getting more insistent and one hour later I was in considerable pain. My arm really ached but the pain in my chest was horrendous. I got scared, told my husband how bad I felt and it was decided to call for an ambulance. By this time I was a combination of miserably in a lot of pain and scared about what it all could mean.
The ambulance arrived promptly and whilst yes I was in a huge amount of pain their tests and their experience pointed to it being something other than the dreaded heart attack. Nevertheless it was decided to take me to hospital for further investigations.
I was examined by a very thorough doctor who said that she thought it was some sort of muscular problem but she wanted to be sure so I had to have some bloods taken and a chest x-ray. The x-ray came back fine but much to the surprise of us and the doctor, the blood test came back suggesting that I might have had a very mild heart attack!
At this point she said that her conscience would not allow her to send me home, so she had me admitted to an observation ward instead. There was another blood test that could be done in 9 hours time that should give a clearer indication of what the problem was. At this point they gave me a big dose of morphine, some aspirin and paracetamol and finally the pain started to recede.
After an uncomfortable night (not arriving on the ward until 1.30am, a combination of hourly obs, a great deal of pain and very noisy other patients) I was very groggy the next morning. I'd had about 2.5 hours sleep in total.
A consultant came to see me at 10am and told me that whilst the second set of bloods was inconclusive, they would discharge me providing that I got plenty of rest and return immediately if the pain got very bad again. Interestingly, one of the first things he said was to ask where my compression sleeve was, because to his eyes the lymphoedema was quite obvious. I had to explain that the clinic didn't think it was bad enough to warrant one, so he's going to write suggesting that I do get issued with one pronto.
Oh deep joy! :(
I have spent the last couple of days catching up on my sleep, which I have to say was not exactly difficult and I've been good about resting too! :) After talking about it all with my husband, some online research and recognising the fact that muscular pain does not disappear after a few hours, we have come to the conclusion that I most likely did have a mild heart attack. A very sobering and depressing thought.
I feel so frustrated by all of this as a few months ago I was really beginning to feel a lot more like my old self. My strength and general stamina was gradually improving and things seemed generally to be taking a turn for the better. I am still struggling to deal with the physical aftermath of the horrible reaction to the Lyrica. Who would have thought that just a small dose of something would have such a long term effect? I am still quite unsteady on my feet, especially when tired and if I feel a bit wobbly it's really hard for me to regain my balance without toppling over. Yesterday was a prime example of this - I lost my balance trying to avoid a large puddle as I went to get into the car and I could not stop myself from falling over! The combination of all of this has made me feel like a frail old lady which is not the best feeling the world. I will be so glad when things start to get back to a more normal existence!
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