I think the penny has finally dropped about how having breast cancer will impact my life from now onwards, and it's a very scary and also very depressing realisation.
Currently my life feels like it is dominated by trips to the hospital/doctor/nurse, dealing with crap side effects from the chemotherapy and what seems like never ending problems with the Hickman line. Is this what life has devolved down to? Is there nothing else in my life but worries about treatment, its side effects and about whether the cancer will come back? The short answer is yes and it scares me that this is what it adds up to right now!
I don't want it to be like this, but at the moment I can't see how to change things. Part of this is I think born out of the fact that the last few weeks have been nothing short of grim on the side effects front, with everything from terrible mucositis, vomiting, diarrhoea, and extreme fatigue, not to mention bursting into tears at the slightest provocation. My husband deserves a medal for dealing with all of this!
I've haven't written here because I have found writing about this, or anything at all, very difficult. A combination of not being able to find the right words, just not being able to write for physical/emotional reasons and a huge frustration that my brain is so fogged up by the chemotherapy that writing is mentally very taxing. I have to check everything several times because I think one thing and write another and my spelling and general writing skills have deserted me.
This is apparently a common side effect of chemotherapy, but it's an insidious thing that creeps up on you unawares. You find youself using the wrong words for things, forgetting silly things and needing to write lists for just about everything, because if you don't make a note of it, you can be damn sure that you'll forget it!
I think the combination of all these things has really dragged me down emotionally and now I am about to start phase 2 of chemotherapy (4 stronger doses of a new drug - Docetaxel) I feel scared about what the future holds for me.
I have to find a way back to sanity.
I don't want my life to be defined by cancer.
I am NOT a victim, I am a survivor.
